“Maybe the most any of us can expect from ourselves isn’t perfection but progress.”
-Michelle Buford, O Magazine, 2003
What is perfect, anyway? You can define perfectionism as the pursuit of flawlessness. My experience tells me something different – it is the pursuit of failure. Perhaps that seems like an oxymoron, but if your goal is to achieve perfection at all times and with all things, you are doomed to fail. I know this to be true because for years I was in search of perfection – in my relationships, my career, my pursuit of athletics, and, of course, the number on the scale and my perception of my body. I wore my perfectionism like a badge of honor; in time the weight of this badge became unbearable.
I share this with you because my own experience mirrors that of so many of the clients I have been privileged to work with during the past 17 years. My clients, intelligent, multi-talented men and women, are often berating themselves for the slightest mistake. (“I wasn’t perfect”, “It wasn’t the perfect meal”). In turn, our confidence, self-esteem and identities are stifled, leading to a defeated attitude. We come to believe that we are broken. We don’t allow ourselves to live to our full potential until we are “fixed”.
What I am hearing is the belief that being imperfect is the same as being inadequate. We need to let go of the limiting beliefs about perfectionism that we were clearly taught as we were growing up. Many of us were raised in families where we learned that performing, pleasing and being perfect increased our “lovability”. That is a powerful message for a child because the interpretation becomes, “If I am not perfect, I am unlovable”. This message is often carried into adulthood and often fuels addictive and obsessive behaviors. We spend enormous amounts of energy trying to starve it, drown it, feed it and escape it. These behaviors and thoughts are not problems to be fixed, they are the symptoms that need to be heard.
If, on the other hand, we can embrace imperfection, we are able to navigate this perfection-crazed and “hungry” society, which spends millions, if not billions, of dollars preying on our need to belong and fit into a pre-determined mold of thinness, muscularity and beauty. The message is that we are more likeable, will achieve greater success, if we have the perfect body, perfect skin, perfect smile..
There needs to be a distinction between perfectionism and the healthy pursuit of excellence. Someone who is striving for perfection is often motivated by a fear of not measuring up to some external or self-imposed expectation. On the other hand, someone who strives for excellence is motivated by the desire to learn, to grow, to do better.
We are all works in progress. Let go of the pursuit of perfection, it doesn’t exist. You are not broken, you are whole even as you journey though the challenges that life may present you with. Find the space to make room for acceptance, curiosity and unconditional love. In that space the magic happens and you experience AMAZING.
Hungry for more? Know that today CAN be different and you can free yourself of the struggle with your obsessive thoughts and behaviors regarding food and your body.
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